I am a firm believer that DBT skills are a lifestyle. The skills are useful in every part of your life and not just in times of stress. Since birthing my baby 6 weeks ago I have seen how DBT skills are helping me cope with having a newborn, navigate my changing relationship with my partner and reminding me to practice to self-care.
3 DBT Skills My Baby is Teaching Me
1. Radical Acceptance
No one wants to be woken up at 3 am by a crying baby. As much as I love my son, I enjoy my sleep and look forward to when he sleeps through the night. Until then, I know I have to do something to cope with the multiple early morning feedings and diaper changings. One night, around when my son was 3 weeks old, I was rocking him to sleep and he was fussing. I had been doing this for about and hour and a half and I was tired. I felt like I was going to cry and my body was tensing with stress. I decided I needed to do some deep breathing as I knew that my tense body would not help my baby relax. As my mind and body calmed down I told myself that while these moments are not what I want they need to happen to ensure my son’s needs are met. I wake up at night to go to the washroom, eat and just because and so does my son. The difference is that he needs me to help him eat, to change him and help him fall asleep. I made a conscious decision to radically accept the early morning moments with my son and change the narrative to stop my suffering. I now tell myself that these are more moments of bonding.
2. DEAR MAN
In the case of my family, there is a mom and a dad. We need to parent as a team and this requires communication. I am finding that communicating about parenting is sometimes easier said than done as our priorities do not always match up based on the roles we have assigned ourselves. I am staying at home with our son so my priorities are my sleep and my son getting his needs met. My partner is working so his priorities are his sleep and ensuring he is making money for our family. These can conflict, especially around sleep and the sleep battle is really a horrible fight to have. Using DEAR MAN ensures that I am doing my best to express my needs even if my partner does not respond in the way that I would like. We are still figuring out how to communicate our needs now that baby is here and knowing that I have skills to help me gives me confidence.
3. PLEASE
Babies do not care what you need. They’re not being mean, it’s just that their job is to be taken care of, grow and learn. Since newborns are very demanding a lot of your needs are put on the backburner. Forgetting to take the time to meet your own needs can have physical and emotional consequences. I keep the PLEASE skills in mind so I can make sure I am physically taking care of myself to lower my chances of physical and emotional vulnerability. I take care of physical illness by taking the time to go to the doctor if I am sick and reaching out to friends to help me look after my son so I can rest. I will put my son in his carrier so I can wear him as I make my lunch and eat wearing him as well. I avoid mind-altering substances because I need a clear mind to properly care for my son. Sleep is a struggle, I admit, and I do not nap as much as I should. I really need to make a conscious effort to nap and radically accept that some things will not get done and those things are not more important than sleep. For exercise, I take my son out for a walk at least once a day. My body is still recovering from birth and walking is the best at getting my muscles strong again and clearing my mind.
It’s amazing what I have learned from my son in the short time he has been with us. I have no doubt that as he gets older he will teach me more and I look forward to teaching him DBT skills to help him in his life.
